The One That Got Away

I have been in a sad mood recently. Blame it on my [lack] of a special someone in my life. It has been that way for many, many years (ie, almost forever) but every so often I get depressed about it. I am funny like that; I am generally outgoing and flirtatious with everyone except those who truly catch my attention and/or interest. I suppose it is because I don't want them to think I am just playing around or being flighty or whatever. Anyway, on those times when I do feel my life is lacking something it makes me short tempered, tired and generally unpleasant. Yes, I know some of you may think 'and this is different how?'. Well let me say that I don't much care when others think I am as happy as a bear with its foot caught in a snare, I only care when it gets into my head and makes me quasi-dysfunctional, like now.

When I get this way, a lot of times I think about what might have been, mistakes I may have made (but really? who thinks I could have possibly made a mistake?!?), relationships I have screwed up, etc. You know, your basic self analysis/beat yourself up mentally for being a moron type stuff. So what do you do when you are really sad about your lot in life? I don't know about you, but I start typing names into google. Of come on now, don't act like you have never done that before... actually, it can be fun to do even when in a good mood just to see what you can find. Go ahead, do it right now, click that link three rows up, google yourself and see what links come up, I will wait...

...are you done yet?

So were they interesting or scary results?

Back to the story; when I do that, until _VERY_ recently, I got zero, zilch, zip results for my actual name. I would find my first and last name on pages, but never together and therefore, obviously, never pertaining to me. Well, there is actually one link out there now but I won't mention it specifically since I know a few people out there who may or may not read this some day, who might actually want to figure that one out on their own for a different reason.

Last night when doing that, I learned that the only woman I can honestly claim to ever have truly loved, got married. Before you think I have lost the love of my life, I will clarify and say we dated when we were in college together and that was ten years ago. ::note to self: you can stop waiting on her to realize her mistake now:: Anyway, it is not that I think about her often. In fact, I had not for 3-4 years after we broke up until my dad asked me one day "so, what ever happened to..." which of course prompted me to type her name in for the first time ever a couple years ago. Since then I probably have only done it 2-3 times, essentially about once a year. I suppose it is more curiosity than anything else with her; I always felt like things were never allowed to 'end' properly and since she was my first love, I suspect I will always care about what happens in her life, even vicariously, since she was such an important part of mine for a time.

So I wrote all of that to say this [not that she will ever see it]. Congratulations Laryssa, I really am happy for you and wish you the best in everything, as I always have and always will. For whatever it is worth (nothing, actually, but I will say it anyway) I remember your last poignant comments to me as being extremely difficult to both say and hear. And while it took me a long time to realize it, I appreciate your honesty and by the way, you were right. Of course, I dwelled on it for a few years; you may not even remember what you said anymore... ::grin::

Thank you for being one of the best highlights so far in this drama (or should I call it a comedy of errors?) of mine called "life".